


Growing Pains

by marble_hearse



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Eileen Leahy Deserves Better, Eileen died in season 12, F/M, Grieving Sam Winchester, Hurt Sam, One Shot, Sam feels guilt, Sam misses Eileen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-14 01:15:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28787808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marble_hearse/pseuds/marble_hearse
Summary: There wasn't a single thing on Earth that Sam could think of, not one, that Eileen couldn't do.Except, maybe live.Life without her was hard. Harder than Jess, harder than Amelia.Maybe it was the honesty that had been there, so free to be one another.Maybe it was the maturity in this relationship. Everything that Sam knew now, maybe it was the knowledge that he'd only taken what he could handle, what was good for him, and Eileen was good for him.Maybe it was the knowledge that he'd have to pick up the pieces of his life, to carry on knowing that there would never be another like her, to carry on without his one true shot, the one woman who showed him things could be different.She'd certainly given him peace he didn't want to have to adjust to living without.Maybe she'd been the one all along.She had to be, otherwise there wouldn't be all these growing pains.
Relationships: Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester
Kudos: 4





	Growing Pains

Every time he blinked, it hurt.

It was there. He felt it.

She was there.

Her lifeless body on the table of the morgue, her skin gray with death and-

Fuck, he blinked again.

So, he flinched.

Scratches covering her battered body, her mouth blue, closed, silent. No more sassy remarks, no more playful banter, she was gone.

He blinked. Another blow. Another tear.

Her hands, her beautiful hands. Sam was sure that if he watched them long enough, they'd come up. They'd touch his face, they'd run along his chest to find his heartbeat, they'd intertwine in her beautiful signs that only she could make.

Her eyes.

Her eyes.

Her eyes.

God how Sam just wanted to look into them one last time. They were the soil, the fresh earth, the beginning and end of everything, everything returning to the earth, everything returning to her eyes. But they were sealed, her eyes were shut, the earth had been taken from him. He'd lost his footing, he couldn't find it, he'd damn near lost his lunch realizing that no matter how long he stared that she wasn't coming back, she couldn't come back, her intelligent gaze, the soft movements of her lips, the gentle noise of her laugh, it was all gone.

A groan, a creak, an ache went through every last muscle in his body at the remembrance hitting again and he pulled at the ends of his hair, but that didn't hurt well enough, so he fisted his hands in and he strained like he was attempting to pull every last strand out.

They were all growing pains. 

Where was life without Eileen? Another grave, another flower on top of all of the people he couldn't save. She was there. She was there with Jess, and Amelia, and she was there with Bela and Sarah and every other person in his life he couldn't save.

So why did it sting so much worse?

She gets him. She got him. She had him. Unapologetically wrapped around her finger, so tight he would've never found his way off.

She didn't need him. It was refreshing to not be needed, but to be wanted. She didn't need anybody, she was kickass, the most brave and powerful hunter he'd ever met. She didn't need a damn soul. Wasn't one thing on this planet she couldn't do. So why couldn't she have stayed alive? 

After a while they'd put it together. Those wounds. Hellhound. At first Sam had been devastated. Why had Eileen made a deal? But then other hunters turned up dead, all of their wounds matching other hunters across the country. Matching Eileen.

And then her letter.

'Can I bunk with you guys for a couple of days?'

She'd sought out solace within The Bunker. Her safe haven had resided with Sam and Dean.

She'd needed a safe haven, but from what? Someone had been trailing her. Broken pieces of conversations led to the realization that the British Men of Letters were indeed wiping out every last hunter that remained in America, and Eileen had been brushed up in the undertow. It infuriated Sam even more. Why the hell was Eileen even attacked with a hellhound? Surely the BMOL had any shred of respect for others, and based on their extensive database, there was no way that Eileen's hearing impairment had gone unknown to all of them.

A hellhound? A non-visible monster coming after Eileen, a woman who couldn't hear to go on top of that.

He blinked again and everything fell apart. He fell apart, he came undone, strange feelings in his chest, like his sternum was being pressed on, he knew it was only heavy emotion.

Life with a hunter was never easy. The only person who could ever really get the life of a hunter was another hunter, and Eileen had been no exception. She'd only briefly flinched during his detailing of his time in the cage with Lucifer, of the fact that he was meant to be Lucifer's vessel, the demon blood, everything. She was that perfect balance that was so rare to find, that he'd never found before. 

Her smile could light up a room. Her joy was infectious, no one could be sad whenever she was around, there were no scowls, no frowns, no tears that her smile couldn't fix. She was nurturing, in a way that was almost maternal, and it was so clearly so natural to her, she didn't even think about it. It was a beautiful display of amity, her rays of sunshine, her ability to listen and make others listen, her understanding in nearly every situation. She was the light in the dark that Sam wanted whilst also being resilient, this unbreakable force, this merciless fortress of a woman. Sam needed every part of Eileen there with him. He might've even been trying to forge something stronger. And he'd lost every bit of her.

Life with a hunter was never easy.

But life without this particular hunter was even harder.

Sam didn't know how he was going to carry on life without this ray of sunshine. Somehow he'd do it. Somehow he'd come out of this with new knowledge, something he didn't have before. Maybe this was it. Maybe this was him finally moving through it.

But for now...

Another breath.

Another growing pain.


End file.
